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Arm the Whales

by Crassus

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1.
NAT There’s this thing that they do in the town that I’m from and we call it touching dicks. It’s a way that men of honor from our town use to settle their differences It’s a tradition passed down from father to son and it’s lasted for generations The tradition: the tradition of touching dicks. GEOFF There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks. First you take your dick then your enemy’s dick and you touch the tips together And the first to lose his erection or the first to break eye contact Has failed: has failed at touching dicks. NAT There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and we call it touching dicks. Some people might say it’s gay... GEOFF ...it’s not! NAT ...in fact it’s fiercely hetero! GEOFF It’s a matter of patience and dominance, it’s a test of strength and will. NAT The will: GEOFF AND NAT The will of touching dicks! NAT But we rue the day that Viagra came and destroyed our little town. For the matches would last for hours and days and nobody would back down And the women left home and the men, all alone, would softly hear the sound Of crying. Of their own crying. (Instrumental) GEOFF There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks. Now every last man stands face to face in the town square locked in battle. NAT But there are no winners anymore. There only those who lose When they die: GEOFF AND NAT ...When they die from touching dicks.
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Alamore 05:18
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Landman 02:34
GEOFF: On a warm summer Sunday a man named Tim Milson inadvertently stole a bushel full of rhubarb from a Wiccan priestess at a farmers market. The Wiccan priestess invoked Gaea, the Mother Earth, forever binding Tim’s feet to the ground. Lost and confused, Tim did what any other person who had been cursed with an outrageous affliction would do. He vowed to rid the world of all wrongdoing and became the superhero juggernaut known as the Landman. NAT: He’s the Landman! Oooh yeah! We'll ya heard of the Spacemen all up in space Or of Superman flying all over the place Well here’s a superhero who’s a real man He doesn’t fly or swim he just walks around on land GEOFF: He’s the Landman! And he's totally hot, He’s coming for you bad guys with all he’s got He’s the Landman! And he’s totally cool, He’s telling all the kiddies to stay in school. NAT: Well the Bad Guys scatter when he shuffles around Because his feet never even need to leave the ground In fact they can’t. GEOFF: No! NAT: That’s part of his curse. So you’ll forgive him if he talks to you a little terse. GEOFF: He’s the Landman! He won’t accept defeat Even though he can never lift up his feet He’s the Landman! And he’s stuck on land If you’re drowning in the ocean, don’t ask for a hand NAT ‘Cause Landman can only walk around on earth. Don’t ask him to float or jump or surf If you’re in trouble upstairs you’re probably SOL, Unless there’s a ramp to where you are, then Landman will fight like hell! Land Dance! GEOFF Everybody shuffle left Everybody shuffle right Everybody shuffle front Everybody shuffle back Now shuffle around, shuffle around Keep your feet on the ground and shuffle around And do that Landman h'yah Chorus: He’s the Landman! His tale is almost complete Now everybody rock it to the awesome beat Of the Landman! He’s unstoppable Unless you travel anywhere other than on land.
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Accents 01:18
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Sales Pump 03:54
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GEOFF: I'm sitting in the ocean with my board and waiting for some waves Now I'm up on my board hitting waves I am surfing I hope I don't fall off into the big deep ocean But if I did that would be okay 'cause it would be quite refreshing. These are my surf thoughts The thoughts I have while surfing These thoughts up in my surf brain These are my surf thoughts The ocean is so big and vast and deep and blue and dangerous It is dangerous Is that a whale is that a shark is that a stingray is that fish? Oh thank goodness it's just seaweed floating now I can keep surfing These are my surf thoughts The thoughts I have while surfing These thoughts up in my surf brain These are my surf thoughts I wonder if that girl is still on the beach playing volleyball She was cute we were having a nice conversation Should I have just stayed on the beach and played a little volleyball Of course not that'd be silly 'cuz that would cut into surf time These are my surf thoughts The thoughts I have while surfing These thoughts up in my surf brain These are my surf thoughts These are my surf thoughts
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Next Artist 00:21
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Fish 03:15
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VERSE 1: I met a girl (He met a girl) on Wolverine Mountain (on Wolverine Mountain) She was as pretty (as pretty as pretty) as a girl can be (as a girl could be be) She had this smile (she had this smile) and she had these eyeballs (she had two eyes) With purty ears (if you’re into ears) and a set of teeth (pearly white teeth) But I could not woo her (oh no no no) on Wolverine Mountain (on Wolverine Mountain) It was as shameful (a real dern shame) as a shame could be. (shame shame shame shame) I could not woo her (oh no no no) on Wolverine Mountain (on Wolverine Mountain) Cause it was infested (yes it was) with Wolverines (vicious wolverines) CHORUS: And every time I would get near her Them Wolverines would bite and claw And as much as I loved that woman I had to keep (he had to keep) Moving on (moving on) VERSE 2: I met a girl (another girl) on Grizzly Bear Mountain (on Grizzly Bear Mountain) She was a woman (Hooray for women!), she looked alright (six out of ten) She had a face (real feminine face) and she had a torso (right below her face) With a couple of limbs (three whole limbs), she seemed pretty bright (moonshine bright) But I could not woo her (oh no no no) on Grizzly Bear Mountain (on Grizzly Bear Mountain) If you go to the mountain, (don’t go to the mountain) y'all better beware (it’s scary up there) I could not woo her (no no no no) on Grizzly Bear Mountain (on Grizzly Bear Mountain) 'Cause it was chock-full (up to the gills) of Grizzly Bears (overflowing with bears) CHORUS: See every time I would get near her Them Grizzly Bears would bite and claw And as much as I loved that woman I had to keep (he had to keep) Moving on. (moving on) (spoken, as a bridge) BACKUP SINGER Say you ever think about wooing a woman that didn’t live up on a mountain? LEAD SINGER Nope. BACKUP SINGER Well, how 'bout a mountain that isn't full of vicious predatory mammals? LEAD SINGER Well, there was this one time.... VERSE 3: I met a girl (here we go again) up on Dove Mountain (pretty Dove Mountain) She was a female, (as far as he knew) just like I like (he’ll take anything) She had some skin (some really dry skin) and she had a pulse (keeping standards low) I think she spoke English (parla ingles) I think she liked to hike (I think she ate raw cat) But I couldn’t woo her (oh no no no) up on Dove Mountain (up on Dove Mountain) Because them doves (those pretty white doves) shot fire from their eyes. (oh God oh God) Those doves had tempers (drunk Irish tempers) up on Dove Mountain (spikes on their wings) They'd kill a feller (peck peck stab burn) until he dies (dies from death). CHORUS 4: Every time I would get near her Them psycho doves would spit acid at me And as much as I loved that female I had to let (he had to let) I had to let (he had to let) That female be.
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Baseball 03:35
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OreIda 05:00
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Guitar Man 02:42
GEOFF You look back on your life and I'm willing to bet The first thing you dwell on are all your regrets I could have done this, I should have done that A million and one failed attempts in your hat Well let me tell you something... I wish that I had taken the time to learn the guitar Guitar men always seem to know who they are And who they can do, or what they can get A guitar man's life is the greatest I bet. When I'm strumming my strings and I'm playing in key I bet all the ladies will fall to their knees First I play it real slow and then I play it real fast Then I bring it back down again to make the song last I wish that I had taken the time to learn the guitar Guitar men always seem to know who they are And who they can do, or what they can get A guitar man's life is the greatest I bet. Oh what I would give to have my life back Oh if I could change around my luck Oh if I could practice another decade or two Then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't suck Two, three, three I wish that I had taken the time to learn the guitar Guitar men always seem to know who they are And who they can do, or what they can get A guitar man's life is the greatest I bet.

about

The debut sketch comedy album from power duo Crassus.

crassuscomedy.com
@crassuscmdy
crassuscomedy@gmail.com
or, find us on Facebook

credits

released July 15, 2014

Written, produced and performed by: Geoff Crump and Nat Topping
Recorded, mixed and mastered by: Matt Griffo

Special Thanks
Neil Arsenty, Erin and Leah Crump, Rachel Damon, Desiree Miller, Anna Schlegel, The Dancing Pig

Kickstarter Supporters
Ian Andrusyk, Wim Bauwens, Thomas V. Bona, Matthew Bonaccorso, Jerry Brennan, Robert Cass, Betty Chase, Tim Chase, Bryan Cohen, Craig Cotter, Amy Scott Daughtry, Charlyn David, Chad Dulanski, Emily Freeman, Leonardo Adrian Garcia, Alex Garday, Julia Garlotte, Matt Gentry, Ben Gravlin, Kelly Heintz, Kacie Hoffman, Drew Hulbert, Andrew Hutchinson, Tony Jackson, Matt Jansen, Mike Johnson, Scott Kirkpatrick, Maria Kokas, Rebecca Levine, Eric Lindberg, Lisa Linke, Penny Mason, Doug Molloy, Eric Muller, David Munk, Holly Newman, Chris Othic, Mark Penzien, Chris Petruniak, Scott Resky, Jen Ruud, Anne Sayre, Elaine Schweitzer, Dr. Bigballs Scrotum, Dayna Smith, Ross Smith, Donald and Susan Topping, Vanessa Topping, Dave Urlakis, Greg Wendling, Douglas Werder, Ryan Williams, LeeAnn Yops, Mary Olivia Young

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Crassus Chicago, Illinois

The Chicago sketch comedy power duo of Geoff Crump and Nat Topping. We do songs; we do sketches; we make funny noises and faces.

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