NAT
There’s this thing that they do in the town that I’m from and we call it touching dicks.
It’s a way that men of honor from our town use to settle their differences
It’s a tradition passed down from father to son and it’s lasted for generations
The tradition: the tradition of touching dicks.

GEOFF
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks.
First you take your dick then your enemy’s dick and you touch the tips together
And the first to lose his erection or the first to break eye contact
Has failed: has failed at touching dicks.

NAT
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and we call it touching dicks.
Some people might say it’s gay...

GEOFF
...it’s not!

NAT
...in fact it’s fiercely hetero!

GEOFF
It’s a matter of patience and dominance, it’s a test of strength and will.

NAT
The will:

GEOFF AND NAT
The will of touching dicks!

NAT
But we rue the day that Viagra came and destroyed our little town.
For the matches would last for hours and days and nobody would back down
And the women left home and the men, all alone, would softly hear the sound
Of crying. Of their own crying.

(Instrumental)

GEOFF
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks.
Now every last man stands face to face in the town square locked in battle.

NAT
But there are no winners anymore. There only those who lose
When they die:

GEOFF AND NAT
...When they die from touching dicks.