Touching Dicks

from by Crassus

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about

One of the two tracks that started everything off. A song about stubbornness, masculinity and the touching of dicks.

lyrics

NAT
There’s this thing that they do in the town that I’m from and we call it touching dicks.
It’s a way that men of honor from our town use to settle their differences
It’s a tradition passed down from father to son and it’s lasted for generations
The tradition: the tradition of touching dicks.

GEOFF
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks.
First you take your dick then your enemy’s dick and you touch the tips together
And the first to lose his erection or the first to break eye contact
Has failed: has failed at touching dicks.

NAT
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and we call it touching dicks.
Some people might say it’s gay...

GEOFF
...it’s not!

NAT
...in fact it’s fiercely hetero!

GEOFF
It’s a matter of patience and dominance, it’s a test of strength and will.

NAT
The will:

GEOFF AND NAT
The will of touching dicks!

NAT
But we rue the day that Viagra came and destroyed our little town.
For the matches would last for hours and days and nobody would back down
And the women left home and the men, all alone, would softly hear the sound
Of crying. Of their own crying.

(Instrumental)

GEOFF
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks.
Now every last man stands face to face in the town square locked in battle.

NAT
But there are no winners anymore. There only those who lose
When they die:

GEOFF AND NAT
...When they die from touching dicks.

credits

from Arm the Whales, released July 15, 2014
Vocals: Geoff Crump and Nat Topping
Backing Vocals: Anna Schlegel and Matt Griffo
Guitar: Nat Topping
Cello: Desiree Miller
Every Other Instrument: Matt Griffo

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about

Crassus Chicago, Illinois

The Chicago sketch comedy power duo of Geoff Crump and Nat Topping. We do songs; we do sketches; we make funny noises and faces.

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