Arm the Whales

by Crassus

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about

The debut sketch comedy album from power duo Crassus.

crassuscomedy.com
@crassuscmdy
crassuscomedy@gmail.com
or, find us on Facebook

credits

released July 15, 2014

Written, produced and performed by: Geoff Crump and Nat Topping
Recorded, mixed and mastered by: Matt Griffo

Special Thanks
Neil Arsenty, Erin and Leah Crump, Rachel Damon, Desiree Miller, Anna Schlegel, The Dancing Pig

Kickstarter Supporters
Ian Andrusyk, Wim Bauwens, Thomas V. Bona, Matthew Bonaccorso, Jerry Brennan, Robert Cass, Betty Chase, Tim Chase, Bryan Cohen, Craig Cotter, Amy Scott Daughtry, Charlyn David, Chad Dulanski, Emily Freeman, Leonardo Adrian Garcia, Alex Garday, Julia Garlotte, Matt Gentry, Ben Gravlin, Kelly Heintz, Kacie Hoffman, Drew Hulbert, Andrew Hutchinson, Tony Jackson, Matt Jansen, Mike Johnson, Scott Kirkpatrick, Maria Kokas, Rebecca Levine, Eric Lindberg, Lisa Linke, Penny Mason, Doug Molloy, Eric Muller, David Munk, Holly Newman, Chris Othic, Mark Penzien, Chris Petruniak, Scott Resky, Jen Ruud, Anne Sayre, Elaine Schweitzer, Dr. Bigballs Scrotum, Dayna Smith, Ross Smith, Donald and Susan Topping, Vanessa Topping, Dave Urlakis, Greg Wendling, Douglas Werder, Ryan Williams, LeeAnn Yops, Mary Olivia Young

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about

Crassus Chicago, Illinois

The Chicago sketch comedy power duo of Geoff Crump and Nat Topping. We do songs; we do sketches; we make funny noises and faces.

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Track Name: Touching Dicks
NAT
There’s this thing that they do in the town that I’m from and we call it touching dicks.
It’s a way that men of honor from our town use to settle their differences
It’s a tradition passed down from father to son and it’s lasted for generations
The tradition: the tradition of touching dicks.

GEOFF
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks.
First you take your dick then your enemy’s dick and you touch the tips together
And the first to lose his erection or the first to break eye contact
Has failed: has failed at touching dicks.

NAT
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and we call it touching dicks.
Some people might say it’s gay...

GEOFF
...it’s not!

NAT
...in fact it’s fiercely hetero!

GEOFF
It’s a matter of patience and dominance, it’s a test of strength and will.

NAT
The will:

GEOFF AND NAT
The will of touching dicks!

NAT
But we rue the day that Viagra came and destroyed our little town.
For the matches would last for hours and days and nobody would back down
And the women left home and the men, all alone, would softly hear the sound
Of crying. Of their own crying.

(Instrumental)

GEOFF
There’s this thing that they do in the town where I’m from and they call it touching dicks.
Now every last man stands face to face in the town square locked in battle.

NAT
But there are no winners anymore. There only those who lose
When they die:

GEOFF AND NAT
...When they die from touching dicks.
Track Name: Landman
GEOFF:
On a warm summer Sunday a man named Tim Milson inadvertently stole a bushel full of rhubarb from a Wiccan priestess at a farmers market.

The Wiccan priestess invoked Gaea, the Mother Earth, forever binding Tim’s feet to the ground.

Lost and confused, Tim did what any other person who had been cursed with an outrageous affliction would do.

He vowed to rid the world of all wrongdoing and became the superhero juggernaut known as the Landman.


NAT:
He’s the Landman! Oooh yeah!

We'll ya heard of the Spacemen all up in space
Or of Superman flying all over the place
Well here’s a superhero who’s a real man
He doesn’t fly or swim he just walks around on land

GEOFF:
He’s the Landman! And he's totally hot,
He’s coming for you bad guys with all he’s got
He’s the Landman! And he’s totally cool,
He’s telling all the kiddies to stay in school.

NAT:
Well the Bad Guys scatter when he shuffles around
Because his feet never even need to leave the ground
In fact they can’t.

GEOFF:
No!

NAT:
That’s part of his curse.
So you’ll forgive him if he talks to you a little terse.

GEOFF:
He’s the Landman! He won’t accept defeat
Even though he can never lift up his feet
He’s the Landman! And he’s stuck on land
If you’re drowning in the ocean, don’t ask for a hand

NAT
‘Cause Landman can only walk around on earth.
Don’t ask him to float or jump or surf
If you’re in trouble upstairs you’re probably SOL,
Unless there’s a ramp to where you are, then Landman will fight like hell!

Land Dance!

GEOFF
Everybody shuffle left
Everybody shuffle right
Everybody shuffle front
Everybody shuffle back
Now shuffle around, shuffle around
Keep your feet on the ground and shuffle around
And do that Landman h'yah


Chorus:
He’s the Landman! His tale is almost complete
Now everybody rock it to the awesome beat
Of the Landman! He’s unstoppable
Unless you travel anywhere other than on land.
Track Name: Surf Thoughts
GEOFF:

I'm sitting in the ocean with my board and waiting for some waves
Now I'm up on my board hitting waves I am surfing
I hope I don't fall off into the big deep ocean
But if I did that would be okay 'cause it would be quite refreshing.

These are my surf thoughts
The thoughts I have while surfing
These thoughts up in my surf brain
These are my surf thoughts

The ocean is so big and vast and deep and blue and dangerous
It is dangerous
Is that a whale is that a shark is that a stingray is that fish?
Oh thank goodness it's just seaweed floating now I can keep surfing

These are my surf thoughts
The thoughts I have while surfing
These thoughts up in my surf brain
These are my surf thoughts

I wonder if that girl is still on the beach playing volleyball
She was cute we were having a nice conversation
Should I have just stayed on the beach and played a little volleyball
Of course not that'd be silly 'cuz that would cut into surf time

These are my surf thoughts
The thoughts I have while surfing
These thoughts up in my surf brain
These are my surf thoughts
These are my surf thoughts
Track Name: Wolverine Mountain
VERSE 1:
I met a girl (He met a girl) on Wolverine Mountain (on Wolverine Mountain)
She was as pretty (as pretty as pretty) as a girl can be (as a girl could be be)
She had this smile (she had this smile) and she had these eyeballs (she had two eyes)
With purty ears (if you’re into ears) and a set of teeth (pearly white teeth)
But I could not woo her (oh no no no) on Wolverine Mountain (on Wolverine Mountain)
It was as shameful (a real dern shame) as a shame could be. (shame shame shame shame)
I could not woo her (oh no no no) on Wolverine Mountain (on Wolverine Mountain)
Cause it was infested (yes it was) with Wolverines (vicious wolverines)

CHORUS:
And every time I would get near her
Them Wolverines would bite and claw
And as much as I loved that woman
I had to keep (he had to keep)
Moving on (moving on)

VERSE 2:
I met a girl (another girl) on Grizzly Bear Mountain (on Grizzly Bear Mountain)
She was a woman (Hooray for women!), she looked alright (six out of ten)
She had a face (real feminine face) and she had a torso (right below her face)
With a couple of limbs (three whole limbs), she seemed pretty bright (moonshine bright)
But I could not woo her (oh no no no) on Grizzly Bear Mountain (on Grizzly Bear Mountain)
If you go to the mountain, (don’t go to the mountain) y'all better beware (it’s scary up there)
I could not woo her (no no no no) on Grizzly Bear Mountain (on Grizzly Bear Mountain)
'Cause it was chock-full (up to the gills) of Grizzly Bears (overflowing with bears)

CHORUS:
See every time I would get near her
Them Grizzly Bears would bite and claw
And as much as I loved that woman
I had to keep (he had to keep)
Moving on. (moving on)

(spoken, as a bridge)

BACKUP SINGER
Say you ever think about wooing a woman that didn’t live up on a mountain?

LEAD SINGER
Nope.

BACKUP SINGER
Well, how 'bout a mountain that isn't full of vicious predatory mammals?

LEAD SINGER
Well, there was this one time....

VERSE 3:
I met a girl (here we go again) up on Dove Mountain (pretty Dove Mountain)
She was a female, (as far as he knew) just like I like (he’ll take anything)
She had some skin (some really dry skin) and she had a pulse (keeping standards low)
I think she spoke English (parla ingles) I think she liked to hike (I think she ate raw cat)
But I couldn’t woo her (oh no no no) up on Dove Mountain (up on Dove Mountain)
Because them doves (those pretty white doves) shot fire from their eyes. (oh God oh God)
Those doves had tempers (drunk Irish tempers) up on Dove Mountain (spikes on their wings)
They'd kill a feller (peck peck stab burn) until he dies (dies from death).

CHORUS 4:
Every time I would get near her
Them psycho doves would spit acid at me
And as much as I loved that female
I had to let (he had to let)
I had to let (he had to let)
That female be.
Track Name: Guitar Man
GEOFF
You look back on your life and I'm willing to bet
The first thing you dwell on are all your regrets
I could have done this, I should have done that
A million and one failed attempts in your hat

Well let me tell you something...

I wish that I had taken the time to learn the guitar
Guitar men always seem to know who they are
And who they can do, or what they can get
A guitar man's life is the greatest I bet.

When I'm strumming my strings and I'm playing in key
I bet all the ladies will fall to their knees
First I play it real slow and then I play it real fast
Then I bring it back down again to make the song last

I wish that I had taken the time to learn the guitar
Guitar men always seem to know who they are
And who they can do, or what they can get
A guitar man's life is the greatest I bet.

Oh what I would give to have my life back
Oh if I could change around my luck
Oh if I could practice another decade or two
Then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't suck

Two, three, three

I wish that I had taken the time to learn the guitar
Guitar men always seem to know who they are
And who they can do, or what they can get
A guitar man's life is the greatest I bet.